Deuce of Spades

(Originally posted to my MySpace page on July 21, 2007.)

Happy Anniversary to me, Happy Anniversary to me, Happy Anniversary to me, Happy Anniversary to me! Whew - what an interesting 11 years it's been. This summer marks my 11th year in the dating world. As you all know, God has not yet disclosed which lucky man is going to be 'The One' for me. I'm cool with that...for now, because I know that the big reveal is coming really, really, really (yes three!) soon.

Although I'm not yet eligible to be a contestant on The Newlywed Game, I have compiled my fair share of witty answers to the queries dating brings. Women of the world, listen up; I'm about to share something that I know for sure.

When it's dealt, pay extra special attention to the deuce of spades. For those of you that dabble in the great card game Spades, you know that that card is the third best thing to have in your hand. You know - joker, joker, deuce. But I'm not talking about a card, I'm talking about a man - someone to have around as your third best thing. If you're at the same point in life as me, your first best thing slot is still unoccupied. Your second best slot may or may not be assigned; I consider this thing to be the one who you were oh-so-close to taking the plunge with (or at least discussing it a minimum of once, even if you both were drunk). But your deuce of spades, your third best thing, needs to be allocated to someone from your past immediately, if you haven't done so already.

The main purpose of your deuce of spades is to play the role of boyfriend (I prefer without benefits, but do as you please) when you're between boyfriends. I've found that it's healthy to talk to deuce about two or three times a week and to see him about once or twice a month. Phone and/or text conversations are somewhere in between "How's it going?" and "What's the meaning of life?". Face-to-face interactions shouldn't take place at your pad or his, but rather in a fun environment (preferably with alcohol available) that forces each to be amicable, but also allows for the occasional round of grab-ass.

I love my deuce of spades to death and can't imagine giving him up. I've been single for over a year and he consistently fills the void I sometimes feel. I'm lucky enough to have a handful of fantastic female friends, but nothing beats the sound of a man on the other end of the phone - asking "How was your day?" or "How do you feel about my **** and your ***** becoming reacquainted?", ahhhhhh...pure bliss! :)

So ladies, just as you pay special attention to the deuce of spades when it's dealt in a card game, pay even more attention to it when it's dealt in your dating game. Hold him close, but not too close and don't let him go until the identity of the first best thing is divulged.